


It's the end of the line

by Warlock_Writer



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Depressed Bucky Barnes, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Steve Rogers Dies, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, This is really sad, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-02-21 16:10:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18705763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warlock_Writer/pseuds/Warlock_Writer
Summary: Steve Rogers snaps his fingers and dies, instead of Tony Stark. Bucky and Steve part for the final time. Bucky doesn't know how or if he will get through losing his best friend.





	1. The final goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> This will have more chapters to it (eventually). Hope you enjoy reading xx

They thought it was all over. They thought Thanos had won again, but as he went to snap his fingers, nothing happened. 

At that point Captain America turned aroud, revealing he was the one with the real gauntlet. 'You lose' Cap says as he snaps his fingers, turning Thanos and his followers to dust.

Steve dropped to the floor, the power from the stones too much for him to deal with. He was dying. Bucky ran towards him, needing to be with him.

'We did it Buck, we won, said Steve softly, smiling up at his best friend. His voice was no more than a whisper, he was too weak to speak otherwise.

'You did it Stevie, you were amazing. You saved us all,' replied Bucky, tears begining to form.

'I-' Steve began, before chocking on his words.

'Hey, you don't have to talk, just rest.' Bucky said in a voice so soft that no-one who had seen the Winter Soldier could have ever imagined coming from Bucky.

'N-no. I-I need to, to say this.' He paused for a second before continuing.  
'I love you Buck. I always have. I just never knew if you felt the same so I never said. I don't want to die having not told you.' Confessed Steve, tears beginning to fall from his weary eyes.

'I love you too Stevie, I always have. God, we wasted so much time, if only one of us had said sooner.' Sobbed Bucky. Why did they both have to be so oblivious to each other's feelings? They missed so much time they could have had together, both before the war and after. 

'Hey, don't cry. P-promise me you'll be okay. Promise me.' Steve said, almost begging. He knew that after he had died Bucky would be destroyed and recovery would be slow, if he even did recover that is. But he needed reassurance that Bucky could move past this and continue to live his life. He needed Bucky to be okay, he'd already been through too much. Bucky deserved a chance at a good, happy life. 

'I promise.' Bucky lied. He would never be okay again. He's about to lose his best friend, the love of his life, the one person who always protected him and made him feel safe and loved. But he had to assure Steve so he could be at peace. 

Steve eyes fluttered and threatened to close. 'Hey Stevie, don't close your. Please not yet. Stay awake for me. Please. You can't go. Not yet.' Begged Bucky, sobbing heavily. He can't go. Not now.

'I'm sorry Buck, but it's the end of the line.' Whispered Steve, closing his eyes for the final time. He passed at peace, in the arms of the person he loved. 

'No, no, no, no. Stevie please. Please wake up. You can't leave me. Not now. I need you. Please Stevie. Please.' Bucky pleaded as his sobs grew louder and uncontrollable. 

Bucky clung on to Steve's lifeless body with shaking arms, and pulled him closer. He hugged him close, tight, knowing he would never be able to again. On the battlefield all that could be heard was the desperate, pained sobs of Bucky as he mourned the loss of his best friend and one love. 

He stayed like this for a few minutes. Refusing to move. No-one approached him, not yet. They wanted to give Bucky a few extra minutes with Steve. No-one wanted to disturb the final moments between Bucky and Steve. As everyone watched on they cried. Cried for their fallen friend, cried for who they had lost, and cried for Bucky. Bucky had lost so much and had been through so much suffering, he did not deserve this after everything. They won, but at the cost of someone who meant so much them as well as the rest of the world. 

Tony and Sam slowly approached Bucky so they could move Steve's body else where and try to process what had happened.

'It's okay now Stevie, you can finally rest. You can finally be at peace.' Bucky whispered to Steve, as he gently stroked his cheek. He thought about kissing Steve's cheek, but he didn't because he didn't want their first and only kiss to be only associated with death, suffering and pain. His tears continued to fall as he finally let go of his body and got up, allowing for Steve to be taken away. 

Sam pulled Bucky into a hug and he fell into the embrace. He sobbed into Sam's chest

Bucky had already been through so much. He lost his family because of the War and being take by HYDRA, he had his whole life and freedom ripped from him, he lost himself. But as soon as he had begun to recover and get his life back, with the help of Steve, Thanos destroys it. Twice. However, the second time, unlike the first, is permanent. 

Bucky lost a part of himself that day. Steve was the one person who he felt safe around, the one person who he trusted. The only person he has and will ever love. He doesn't know how he will ever recover from this. 

He never moves on. He never recovers. Everyday is pain. Torture. Having to go though life without the person he loves, the person he needs. Steve died that day, but so did Bucky. On the inside. All he feels is a consuming, numb pain that takes over his body at every second. Never ending. He hates it. 

No-one knows what to do or say around him. They too have their own grief, yet they can deal with it and move on. Not Bucky. He can't. He won't. 

He thinks about ending it all so he can be with Steve again. 'If I can just get through the funeral' he thinks. Then he can say his final goodbye, before joining Steve again. He needs the pain to stop. His life is dark. Their is no light. No air. It's suffocating. He has to get out. He cannot see life getting better and he can see only one way out. One way to put a stop to the never ending pain he is feeling. 


	2. I don't want to feel like this tomorrow, I don't want to feel like this today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky struggles after everything that has happened. He can't cope with the grief, the pain and depression; he wants it to end. He rarely sleeps and barely eats. He is not coping at all.
> 
> He helps to plan the funeral for Steve, ensuring everything is perfect as it is one last thing he can do for Steve. 
> 
> Warning- there is a panic attack and self-harm in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where there is *** that indicates where a flashback starts and then where it ends. 
> 
> Chapter title from the song 'Never surrender' by Skillet.

Bucky barely eats. He rarely sleeps through fears of what he will dream about. He doesn't speak to anyone, not leaving his room unless he has to. The grief is consuming. He can't cope with it. It never ends and is there constantly. Bucky wishes he could trade places with Steve so Steve could still be here, alive. He wishes he was dead. He hates how he is living, if this can even be called living. Bucky's mind races all the time, never stopping, never faltering, but always breaking and spiralling. He thinks of Steve, all the time they wasted, the missed opportunities and that day. He doesn't let his mind think about the happier times, like from before the war. He can't. One, it would hurt too much and two he believed he shouldn't relive the happiness he and Steve shared when Steve is not there to share it with him. 

He wishes he could forget; forget the pain, the grief, the memories. He spent years trying to remember, remember who he was, remember his life, and remember Steve. But now? Now he just wants to forget. Forget it all. Because the pain doesn't stop. It gets worse with each day Bucky has to live without Steve. 

He cries. Heavy, deep sobs. He misses and needs Steve. He can't do this without him. He can't continue his life knowing Steve isn't there and can never come back. Steve helped Bucky through so much. Steve helped him to find himself again when he was so lost. He was his guide, his rock, his home. But he's gone now. And he feel lost, alone, afraid and broke. He feels as if he can never be whole again. Bucky lost everything. Then he had Steve, and it was like he had everything all over again. And now he's back to having nothing.

It gets to the stage where he hasn't left his room in a week. Food is left outside his door, but barely any is eaten. The rest of the team, particularly Sam, check on him regularly but are met with no reply.

One day, over a week after Steve's death, Sam knocked on Bucky's door again being met with no reply. He decided to let himself in. No-one had seen Bucky in a while. This wasn't healthy, he had to see if his friend was okay. Sam was so worried about him. 

'Hey Bucky, you okay?' Sam asked as he entered Bucky's room. The room was dark, the only light coming from a small shaft on sunlight shining through a gap in the curtains. 

Bucky didn't reply. Sam looked up to the bed and saw Bucky fast asleep. He decided to quietly leave. He turned to go when he heard a quiet, pained whimper come from across the room. 

'Stevie please don't leave.' Came Bucky voice, quiet and afraid. Sam then heard Bucky begin to cry. He looked over and saw that he was still asleep. Bucky must be dreaming, he thought. 

Bucky cries and pleads grew as Sam made his way over to Bucky to try and wake him. 

'Bucky, hey it's me Sam. You need to wake up okay, you're just having a bad dream.' Sam said, trying to wake up Bucky. He went to touch Bucky when we startled awake. 

His eyes were wide, from fear of losing Steve, the distress of his nightmare and the shock of seeing Sam. Tears were still streaming down his face. 

'Wh-what are you d-doing here S-Sam?' Stuttered Bucky. His breath began to pick up, panic from his dream spilling into reality. 

'I-I c-can't b-breathe.' 

'It's okay Bucky. You're having a panic attack okay, but I promise I'll get you through it okay.' Reassured Sam.  
'Just follow my breathing okay.'

After a few minutes of soft reassurances from Sam, Bucky's breathing calmed down.

'You okay now Bucky?' Asked Sam softly.

Bucky said nothing and just nodded, fresh tears rolling down his face. 

'I'm sorry Sam, you shouldn't have to do this. You're grieving too. You shouldn't have to worry about me.' Said Bucky, putting his walls back up. He let his guard down a moment ago, allowing himself to show vulnerability. He hated people seeing him like that, but he couldn't help it. Bucky just felt like a burden to Sam in this moment. Sam too has lost a close friend, so Bucky thought that he shouldn't have to deal his grief as well as his own. 

'Hey, it's okay Bucky. I'm your friends. I care about you and I'm always here. You know that right?' Replied Sam. 

'Thank you' Whispered Bucky. 

'Come here.' Sam said, pulling Bucky into a tight, reassuring hug, He needed it, they both did. They were both sharing grief. It meant a lot to Bucky, knowing he had someone there to protect him and help hi through absolute hell. 

'Was there a reason you came in here?' Queried Bucky.

'Yeah, Tony needed help with funeral plans for Steve and wanted you to help. After all, you knew him best. You don't have to now, but the sooner the better.' Answered Sam.

'Has Stark set a date yet?' Asked Bucky.

'Not yet, he's waiting for you before planning anything, but it will have to be fairly soon.' 

'Okay, I'll go now. Tell him what Stevie would have wanted.' Said Bucky, slowly getting to his feet.

'Are you sure you're ready?' Asked Sam, concern heavy in his voice.

'No, I'm not and I'll never be so I might as well do it now. Besides, this is the last thing I- any of us- can do for Stevie so it has to perfect.'

'Well if you're sure.' Sam said as he followed Bucky out of the room. 

The two entered the kitchen area and sat around the table with the rest of the Avengers team. Bucky sat close to Sam, wanting that comfort of being close to him. 

'Okay Barnes, you knew Steve for the longest, so how do you want to do this?' Asked Tony. 

Bucky remembers a conversation he and Steve had many, many years ago, when they were both teenagers. Steve was deathly ill and everyone, even the doctors, thought he was going to die. They couldn't treat the illness and Steve had a lot of other health problems so it was a matter of time before one illness finally killed him, or so everyone thought. 

***

Steve and Bucky were at Steve's apartment in Brooklyn Heights. The two were alone, wanting to spend as much time as they could together. They were both laid on Steve's bed, Steve's head resting on Bucky's shoulder. 

'You're going to be okay Stevie, I promise.' Said Bucky, he was not going to lose his best friend not, they still have so much time left together. 

'But what if I'm not Buck?' Whispered Steve, his voice weak. 

'You're going to be okay? When have I ever broken a promise to you?' Reassured Bucky. 

Bucky pulled Steve closer into his side to comfort him. 

'If- if I do die then I want you to promise me you'll be okay Buck. Because I know it will hurt, me leaving you. I don't want to leave you but I will probaby have to.' Said Steve, beginning to cry. 

'Hey Stevie, look at me. You are going to recover and be fine. You're not leaving me. You're stuck with me until the end of the line remember.' Bucky said, a sad smile painted on his lips. 

Steve huddled impossibly closer to Bucky and the two soon fell asleep, curdled together, Steve in Bucky's arms where he belonged. 

Steve's mom went to check on him, but saw the two cuddled together and decided it was best to leave them both to rest for the time being. 

Steve woke up a couple of hours later, violently coughing. Bucky woke up, startled by the noise. He quickly sat Steve up and got him a drink and some medicine.

'Here Stevie, have a drink and take this. You'll feel better, I promise.' Bucy said, offereing a drink to Steve and pouring out the medicine. 

'Thanks Buck'. Steve whispered in reply, his voice hoarse from coughing. 

'Bucky, if I don't make it will you make sure my mom and everyone is okay? And can you do the funeral plans so mom doesn't have to. Besides, no-one knows me as well as you.' Said Steve quietly.

Bucky sat on a chair next to Steve's bed and took hod of his fragile hands. 

'Of course Stevie, I'll do anything you want.' Replied Buck. This was so hard for Bucky to do. He loved Steve so much, he couldn't bare the thought of losing him, but he had to do this. 

'At my funeral I want only close friends and family, no-one else. I just want it to be quiet and small, so no-one else is to go. I'd like to be buried at the Brooklyn Heights cemetary, so in several years time mom can be buried next to me. It will be easier then. And then after the funeral is over I want you and mom to come back here and just be together. I don't want anything else after, just for you and mom to spend time together. And Buck, promise me you won't cry, promise you won't grieve. Promise me you will move on and be happy. Be happy for me, please.' 

'Okay Stevie. I promise. And I'll make sure everything is perfect. You deserve that at least.' Bucky replied. He lied, knowing he could not be happy or move on, at least not for a long time. 

Bucky by this point had made his way back onto the bed and gently pulled Steve close to him.  
'Just rest,' Bucky whispered softly.

Steve settled down quickly and soon fell back into a peaceful sleep. As Steve slept, silent tears fell from Bucky's tired eyes. This was so hard for him, seeing his best friend so frail and close to death. He never wanted to go through this again. He softly ran his hand through Steve's hair and whispered soft reassurances, even though he knew Steve would not hear his.

'I love you Stevie, so much.' Bucky whispered through tears.

***

'Well he would want something quiet and in Brooklyn, where we grew up. And he would want to be buried in Brooklyn Heights Cemetery, with his mom. And f-for a-after he would w-want just something q-quiet here. Just us. T-Tony. Can you try to make sure there's no-one with a camera there, so it-it's completely private. It's what he wanted.' Said Bucky, barely able to get the words out. 

'Okay Barnes, if that's what you want. I'll get on it right away.' Said Tony, he gave Bucky a reassuring smile that everything would be just right for Steve.

'It's not what I want,' shouted Bucky.  
'What I want- the only thing I want- is Steve. I'm only doing this because it's the least he deserves. I don't want any of this. I-' Bucky cut his self off and quickly ran to his room, far too overwhelmed. 'It's really happening, I really have to say goodbye' Bucky thought. He couldn't do it. It was too much for him, so he ran. 

He got to his room and slammed the door, locking it behind him. Tears began to stream. Planning the funeral meant that it was really happening; somehow it made Bucky feel worse because, for him, it was like it really was then end now. 

In that moment he felt, pain, grief, depression, shock and guilt. Guilt because he couldn't save Steve or do anything for him, like Steve had done for Bucky so much over the past few years. And he felt guilt for how he just spoke to Tony. He didn't deserve to be spoke to like that, he was simply trying to help. 'God, why do I have to be like this?' Thought Bucky. He was in so much pain and there was no end. He felt guilt for how he let Steve down. He believes that he failed Steve by not saving him, or doing anything to relieve his pain, even though there was nothing he could do. 

He scrambled to his feet, and went into the bathroom that was conjoined to the bedroom. He went into the draw and took out a razor that was in there. He took the blade and drew it across the pale skin on his arm. He watch as the blood trickled down his arm. He used this as a way to block out the pain he was feeling inside of him. He hoped the pain from his arm would drown out the pain he was feeling within. It worked, for a few, fleeting moments it worked. He was focused on the physical pain instead. 

He never used to self-harm. It started after he stopped being the Winter Soldier. He used it as a way to cope with the guilt he was feeling and to try to stop the cascade of emotion he felt all the time. He got better though, he stopped when Steve found out. When Steve found put he did everything he could to help, and eventually Bucky stopped. 

Now, he's doing it again. He needs a way to cope, he needs a way to channel his pain, an outlet. This is the only way he can think of. 

He drops the razor and sinks down onto the floor. He sits for a while. Silent. Unmoving. Numb. He hears people knock on his door and call his name. He ignores them all. He sits. He thinks about everything that's going on. He cries. 

He can't do this anymore. He hurts so much all the time. He can't carry this pain much longer. He hates feeling like this and he wants it to stop. He wants everything to just stop. He just wants to be okay again, but doesn't know how to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long, but I struggled so much writing this. The next chapter will have the funeral and will show what happened in the days following. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading this.


	3. 'I can't carry this anymore, heavy from the hurt inside my veins'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the funeral comes around far too quickly for Bucky. He struggles through the day and everything becomes too much for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains a suicide attempt at the end.
> 
> Chapter title from the song 'I can't carry this anymore' by Anson Seabra

The day of the funeral came around far too quickly for Bucky. The weight of the day ahead heavy, pushing him further down. He doesn't know how he's going to get through it. 

He gets up and changes into his suit. The suit itself is simple and black. He left his room to join the rest of the team in the common room. He doesn't want to but the day would be tough for everyone else, so he should just be there with them. 

'You gonna be okay today Bucky?' Asked Sam.

'I'll be fine.' Replied Bucky, giving a small, sad smile at his friend. 

As Tony enters the room Bucky pulls him aside. 

'Hey Stark, I'm sorry about how I spoke to you. You were just trying to help and I shouldn't have shouted. It- it was completely out of order.' Bucky said apologetically. He felt so guilty for the way he spoke to Tony, after everything else that had happened between the two of them it didn't seem fair for him to speak to Tony that way. 

'It's okay Barnes, I understand what it's like to lose someone. I was the same when I lost my parents I-' Tony began the cutting himself off, realising he shouldn't have mentioned his parents in front of Bucky. Tony doesn't blame Bucky at all for what happened to his parents. he blames Hydra. Tony knows that it's a sensitive subject for Bucky as he blames himself. 

After a few seconds he began to speak again.

'God I'm sorry Bucky I shouldn't have bought them up, I didn't think. All I meant was if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you okay. I mean, I know we didn't exactly get off to the best of starts but I understand your situation and I can help you, if you want. No pressure.' Said Tony, placing a comforting hand on Bucky's shoulder. 

'Thank you Tony, that means a lot.' Replied Bucky. Tony saying this to Bucky really did mean a lot. Bucky can't forgive himself for what happened to Tony's parents so he doesn't understand how Tony can. Bucky believes he doesn't deserve any kindness or sympathy from Tony. 

A few minutes passed and the cars to take them to the funeral pulled up outside of the compound. 

'It's time to go.' Tony said and everyone began to exit the compound. 

With a heavy sigh, Bucky got into the car. His heart was pounding and his hands shaking. 'I can't do this. I can't do it' thought Bucky. 

The drive was silent, no-one knowing what to say or wanting to speak. Everyone was trying to process the day ahead of them. 

As they arrived, everyone filed out of the cars and entered the small room where the funeral was being held. At the sight of the coffin Bucky wanted to cry. His legs felt like they were about to give way underneath him. But he didn't cry, he promised Steve he wouldn't and he's going to try to keep that promise. 

Some of the other Avengers like Tony and Natasha gave speeches about Steve and it finally got to Bucky's turn to deliver his. 

He got up and walked to face everyone and began.

'From when we were kids, me and Stevie always had each other. No matter what happened I would always protect him from whatever bully was beating him up. He always has been a self-sacrificing idiot, and God I wish he wasn't. Because I miss him, I miss him so much. Both before and after the war he helped me so much. More than he could ever have realised. I mean, when we were kids I was the one who protected him and he never saw that he did anything for me. But he did. He did so much for me without realising. And after everything with Hydra, I don't know where I would be without Steve. He helped me find myself again. He helped me be whole again, and try to get back to normal. I wouldn't be here is it wasn't for him. I loved his so much, I always did and I'm going to struggle so much without him here with me. It's like I've lost a huge part of myself, and I know I will never get that back. I miss you Stevie and I love you, but I guess this really is the end of the line.' Bucky said, voice full of emotion, cracking in places. He kissed his hand and placed it on the coffin, before quietly whispering goodbye and I love you. 

Everyone, by the end of Bucky's speech, was crying. They could see the emotion on Bucky's face and hear it in his voice. The speech he gave was beautiful. But still, Bucky didn't cry, he made that promise to Steve that he wouldn't cry during the funeral and he was going to keep that promise. He was going to stay strong for Steve one last time. 

The funeral ended soo after Bucky's speech and everyone left. Before everyone left Bucky said that he would meet everyone at the compound later as there was something he had to do first. They all nodded and went on their way. 

Bucky made his way over to the grave of Sarah Rogers, Steve's mom. He made the promise to Steve that after his funeral, he and his mom would spent time together. Bucky intends to keep this promise too. 

'Hey Sarah, it's been a while. I miss you, you know. You were like a mom to me. God I wish you were here right now, I really need you. You would have been so proud of Stevie and the man he became. He- he grew up to be the kindest, bravest most loyal man you would ever meet. Steve was a hero, to me, to so many. I loved him so much Sarah, I really did and I'm so sorry I let your son down. Because I did, badly. I so desperately wanted to save him, more than anything but I couldn't, and I can't live with that guilt. I wish I could have traded places with him. I really do. I wish you were both here. I wish I was with you both.' Bucky said, tears slowly falling from his eyes. He sat still for a few moments more before speaking again. 

'Stevie would have loved this you know. He said that this was what he wanted after his funeral when he was ill as a teenager and everyone thought he would die. He was so strong, always was. God he was amazing. I just wish that there was something more I could have done for him, to save him.' Bucky said with a sigh. Shortly after he decided to leave and join the rest of the Avengers at the compound.

'Bye Sarah, I promise I'll seen you again very soon. And, look after Stevie for me, until I can be with him again.' Bucky whispered softly as he stood up to leave. 

He decides he'll just walk back to the compound as it isn't too far away. He walks slowly, completely lost in thought, missing all of the odd looks and camera flashes of the people he walks past on the way. His mind races. 'How could you let Steve die? It's your fault.' 'You could have tried harder to save him.' It should have been you and not Steve who died.' The thoughts never stop, his mind feels like he is breaking, again. He can't do this much longer. 

He finally gets back to the compound and joins the rest of the team for a drink in order to celebrate Steve's life. 'They shouldn't be, he should be here,' thought Bucky bitterly.

'Hey, you okay?' Asked Sam. 

'Yeah, I- I'm fine.' Lied Bucky. How could he be? How can he ever be again?

'Where did you go, after the funeral? If you don't mind me asking.' Queried Sam. 

'I went to see Steve's mom. Years ago, when Steve and I were teenagers Steve was really ill. Everyone thought he would die, so I promised him that if he did die then after the funeral it would just be me and his mom, and no-one else. He didn't really have anyone but is back then so I guess that's why he wanted that.' Replied Bucky, staring down into his glass, tears threatening to spill as he recounted the memory again, just another thing he wishes he could forget. 

'I'm sure Steve would love that you did that for him. Said Sam, putting a comforting arm around Bucky's shoulder.

'Yeah.' Bucky mumbled quietly. 

After a couple more drinks, Bucky decided to go to his room; he just wanted to be alone now. 

He left for his room, changed out of his suit and laid down on his bed. He stayed there for hours, his mind swimming with the same thoughts. He was drowning, There was no escape from them. Or from the guilt. Or from the pain he was feeling. He hated it and wanted it to end. So he decided he would end it. He could then be back with Steve and see Sarah again like he promised he would. 

He decided to write a note, explaining his decision to the rest of the Avengers why he had done this. Why he had needed to. The note read: 

'I can't live like this anymore. The pain of losing Steve is killing me. My mind is broken I feel nothing but pain everyday and it never ends. I barely sleep, and if I do I have nightmares about that day. There's no escape and no end to what I'm feeling. I know that no matter what happens I will never recover from losing Steve. I love him so, so much and I don't think I can go on without him. I lost a part of myself that day that I will never get back. And the guilt is eating me alive. I let him die, I could have tried harder to save him and he would maybe still be here. I'm so sorry if I cause you anymore pain. But I just can't do this anymore, it hurts too much. I have to die. 

-Bucky'

He waits until he knows everyone is in bed, around midnight, and places the note in the kitchen area where he knows it will be found in the morning. He goes back into him room and walks into the adjoined bathroom. He takes out a razor and runs it down one writ, followed by the other. He feels his world begin to spin and fade as the blood pools from his arms. The pain begins to lift as his world goes back and he feels nothing anymore. 

Sam woke up about 12:15 and went into the kitchen to get a drink. He walks quietly and slowly as to not wake anyone up. As he enters the kitchen he sees the not Bucky left on the table addressed to the team. Confused, Sam picks up the note and reads it. His face drops, despair clouds his face and tears form in his eyes as he reads it. 

'Oh God' Sam says as he runs out of the kitchen in the direction of Bucky's room. The door is locked so he has to force it open. He rushes into the room and sees that Bucky isn't there so he sprint to the bathroom. As he see Bucky laid on the floor he rushed over to him, shouting for someone to come and help him as he tries his best to stop the bleeding and to save his friend. 

'You're gonna be okay Bucky. You're gonna be okay.' Whispered Sam, his voice breaking. He was saying this more for himself, he needed reassurance that Bucky would be okay. He couldn't lose Bucky too.

Tony and Natasha burst into the room to see what is going on. after hearing Sam desperately shout for help. As soon as they entered, it was clear to them what had happened. They are shocked and horrified by what they see. Of course they knew Bucky was struggling, but none of them realised just how much. They didn't help him before, so they will stop at nothing to help him now. Tony sees just how bad of a state Bucky is in and runs from the room to wake Bruce and get some of the other medics who stay on site in case of an emergency. Bucky needed medical attention and fast. Natasha stays to do whatever she can to help before the medics and Bruce get there. 

'Is he alive?' Natasha asks quietly. 

'Yeah, but barely, he needs medical attention, now or he's not going to make it.' Replied Sam, tears falling from his eyes. 'Please be okay, please. I can't lose you too' plays on repeat in Sam's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was very angsty and was hard to write but it will get better, eventually. The road to recovery is long and slow, but with time everyone can find their way again xxx


	4. 'I could have saved you, but you didn't want me to'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone waits for news on Bucky. Sam blames himself and Tony reveals a truth about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains mention of suicide and self-harm.
> 
> Title from the song 'Superheroes' by Hayd

Bruce and the rest of the medics rushed Bucky straight to the medical wing of the compound. The rest of the team followed and waited in the room outside, wanting to be there for Bucky. They all sat in silence until Sam spoke up. 

'H-how could we not see just how much Bucky was struggling? How did we not see this coming? We have failed him so badly. I failed him. I-I'm his best friend and I've helped people who have been in a similar position to Bucky. How did I not see?' Sam said, voice filled with sorrow, despair and regret. He was in a state of complete disbelief with himself that he couldn't have seen just how much Bucky was suffering. 

'Sam, none of us knew. None of us could have done. He didn't tell us, there was no way for us to know. None of us failed him. Especially not you; you have been there for him so much Sam, so please don't blame yourself.' Reassured Natasha, making her way over to Sam to put a comforting arm around his shoulder. 

'Bullshit! We're his friends, his family. It's our job to be there for him and look after him, and we couldn't even do that. Bucky could die because we... I wasn't there for him enough. If we had have known we could have helped him, talked his out of committing suicide.' Shouted Sam, pushing Natasha's arm off his shoulder. 

'Look Sam, I-I don't think Bucky wanted us to know how much he was suffering. Based of what he said in his letter he didn't want help, he didn't want us to save him. He thought that if he killed himself then the pain would end and he could be with Steve again. When someone thinks that suicide is the only way out and is thinking like Bucky must have been, it's almost impossible to change their mind. Especially after everything Bucky has been through. It's not suicide that kills people, it's the sadness.' Reasoned Tony, speaking up for the first time. 

'Oh I didn't realise you were some sort of expert. How the hell could you know what it's like to be in the position Bucky was in? He thought his only option was suicide because he couldn't go on with the pain he was feeling. You couldn't possibly know what that's like.' Snapped Sam. 

'Actually I do.' Replied Tony, voice soft, conveying heavy sadness and what sounded, to Sam, like shame. 

'W-what do you mean Tony?' Questioned Sam.

'After everything that happened with my parents I was in a bad place, drinking, taking drugs, doing everything I could to stop myself from feeling any kind of pain. Everything got on top of me and I decided I couldn't go on with my life anymore. Life was unbearable and I wanted to die. I, like Bucky, didn't tell any, not Rhodey or Jarvis and one night tried to take my own life. Jarvis found me just in time to save me. He was worried because he hadn't seen me all day, so came into my room to check on me. He found me, like Bucky, bleeding out on the floor. I own so much to Jarvis, more that anyone could ever know.' Tony confessed, rolling up the sleeves on him long sleeve t-shirt. This revealed two scars, one on each arm, showing where cut himself in trying to take his own life. In revealing this, Nat and Sam saw several smaller scars, presumably from Tony self-harming in the past. They decided not to ask him about this now because of everything else going on. 

'Tony I'm so, so sorry. I should never have said that. I didn't know.' Said Sam quietly, voice filled with shame. 

'It's okay Sam, you weren't to know. The only people who do knew, besides Jarvis, are Rhodey, Pepper and Happy, but that's only because they are the people I am closest to. I mean, when I am around people, I always wear long sleeved t-shirts or shirts so people don't see any of the scars on my arm.' Explained Tony. There was no anger or resentment in his voice towards Sam, there was no way he could ever have known.  
'I guess I never told any of you guys because I didn't think it was something that I needed to tell any of you. I never tried to commit suicide again because I got help, I got better. I relapsed with self-harm a few time over the years but I recovered and I'm doing okay now. I almost started again after everything with Thanos and then with Steve but I didn't.' Continued Tony. 

Natasha and Sam said nothing, they looked up in awe and with a brand new respect for their friend. They pulled Tony into a hug, all of them needing the comfort.

Tony pulled out the hug and it was clear that tears were threatening to fall from his weary, tired eyes. 

'Y-you didn't fail him Sam, or you Nat. I did. I've been where he is, I know what he's going through and yet I couldn't see it. I should've seen it and I didn't. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting Bucky down and not realising he was suicidal. I could have stopped this I-could have-.' Cried Tony, guilt lacing his voice. He cut himself off, not able to speak through his tears. He felt so much guilt.

'Tony this isn't on you, just like Nat said, none of us to blame okay. And like you said, none of us could have stopped him, even if we had have known. Okay?' Sam said reassuringly. 

'Yeah,' Tony said quietly, voice barely a whisper. 

After a few moments of silence Tony spoke up again. 

'When Bucky wakes up we are all going to do everything we can to get him through this. It's going to be so hard for him. He might try to push us away and he may hate us for not letting him die but we just have to deal with that. What Bucky is going through is one of the worst traumas anyone has to go through so we have to be patient and always be there for him when he needs help, no matter what. It's going to take a long time before he's even remotely okay again, but as long as we stand with him and are there for him, we can get him through this, The road to recovery is long and so, so difficult and there will be times that Bucky will want to give in but we won't let him. We'll be there to stop him from falling and to keep him strong.' Said Tony, determined not to let Bucky down ever again. Tony knows better than anyone just how hard recovering from a suicide attempt is, he's been there and he will do everything he can to help Bucky recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, it was a really emotional chapter for me to write. 
> 
> The friendship between Bucky and Sam, Tony and Natasha and Tony and Bucky will become important in the next few chapters. Tony will be an important character in Bucky's recovery. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. xxx

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has any Thiam, Marvel (in particular Irondad/Spiderson, Stucky or Loki), or Malec prompts just let me know and I'll eventually get round to writing them. xxx


End file.
